DailyLaugh

Cheap people don't lose sleep over money. They lose sleep calculating how to keep it.

The flight attendant demonstration for the seatbelt is for the three people who need it.

The best drivers are the ones you never notice. The worst ones you remember forever.

I don't have road rage. I have road disappointment, which is somehow worse.

The tray table is a laptop desk, dining table, and pillow all in one questionable surface.

Sunscreen at a campsite is always either empty or missing.

Cheap people don't ghost you. They just stop paying for Wi-Fi.

Nothing hits harder than a Monday after a good weekend.

The person who cuts you off will get every green light. That's just how it works.

Nothing like a cold shower in a campground bathroom to wake you up spiritually.

My knees have a better memory than I do. They remember every bad decision.

At my age a good night is one where nothing hurts in the morning.

I've earned every grey hair and I'm keeping all of them.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they drive in a parking garage.

Used to pull all nighters. Now I pull all morning naps.

Four way stops: a social experiment nobody passes.

I'm not ugly. I'm just built for personality.

I've been driving for years and still slow down to look at accidents. I'm part of the problem.

I'm not ugly. I'm just a limited edition that not everyone appreciates.

Cheap people don't have standards. They have price points.

I don't need a gym membership. I get my cardio from driving in New York.

The best part of any trip is landing back home and meaning it.

I'm never getting married. Boys are disgusting. Or girls. Both.

I've been ready for Friday since Monday. Specifically since 7 AM Monday.

I was so ugly as a kid my shadow used to walk on the other side of the street.

I'm not a morning person on any day but Monday takes it personally.

Camping is the only time adults willingly eat food cooked on a stick.

I wasn't sleeping in church. I was just praying with my eyes closed and my mouth open.

The flight that's on time feels like a gift. The delayed one feels personal.

Can we get a dog? I promise I'll do everything. Every single thing.

I'm not tired. I'm just resting my eyes while running.

A cheap person's vacation is a staycation with the lights off.

Camping breakfast is just burned eggs and optimism.

A cheap person's idea of a night out is someone else's open bar.

I know everything about dinosaurs. Want me to tell you? It will take a while.

He was so cheap he brought his own ketchup packets to a sit-down restaurant.

Middle seat on a red eye is a spiritual experience nobody asked for.

You're the best mom in this whole house.

Packing for camping: bring everything. Use none of it. Carry it all home.

A cheap person's idea of investing is buying two of something on sale.

You know someone is cheap when their birthday gift to you is their presence.

I packed light for camping. That's the last lie I told before loading the car.

Some people are born beautiful. I was born interesting.

He was so cheap his wedding favors were IOUs.

I was so ugly growing up my parents got a two for one deal on Halloween costumes — I already came with one.

I always wave when someone lets me in. It's the least I can do for a small miracle.

Not everyone can be a ten. Someone has to be the reason tens feel better about themselves.

The first night in a tent is always the night it decides to rain.

I was so ugly growing up the school photographer called in sick on picture day.

I can't clean my room. My arms are too tired.

My fifties are just my twenties with better judgment and worse knees.

Some people have a face for radio. I have a face for podcasting.

I've never successfully predicted which carousel my bag will come out on.

The car in front of me is always going exactly five miles under the speed limit. Always.

Monday is the day I realize my weekend to-do list was very ambitious.

I don't need a bath. I swam yesterday.

Getting old is not for the weak. It takes real commitment to keep showing up.

I already know how to read. I just don't want to do it right now.

A cheap person's idea of going out is standing near someone else's barbecue.

The raccoon that got into your cooler was smarter than your lock. Accept it.

Why do you and daddy need alone time? Are you fighting?

My carry on is always exactly one inch too wide for the bag sizer.

Monday motivation is just caffeine with good PR.

The people who love Mondays are either retired or lying.

Cheap people don't believe in waste. They believe in other people's leftovers.

My friend is so cheap he uses both sides of a Post-it note.

My friend is so cheap he waits for the checkout line to thin out before returning his cart.

Turn signals are optional equipment for some people. They chose not to install them.

Cheap people don't have expensive taste. They have expensive opinions about free things.

My car has a horn. Other drivers have apparently never heard one before.

How old are you? That's really old. Are you going to die soon?

Camping is proof that you can be uncomfortable and happy at the same time.

My coworker is so cheap he charges his phone at work and calls it a benefit.

You don't truly know someone until you've shared a two person tent with them.

A cheap person's love language is a good discount code.

Nothing humbles you like a campground bathroom at 3 AM.

A full tank of gas and an open road is the closest thing to freedom most of us will ever feel.

Camping teaches you that you need far less than you think and far more bug spray than you packed.

I've stopped lying about my age and started lying about everything else.

He was so cheap he brought a calculator to a potluck.

My boarding group is always last. I've made peace with it.

The walk from security to the gate is always longer than the flight.

I was so ugly as a baby the doctor slapped my mother.

The fastest way to test your marriage is a delayed flight with no Wi-Fi.

The only thing worse than a crying baby on a plane is judging yourself for being annoyed by a crying baby.

I don't hate Mondays. I just feel like we need some time apart.

I didn't lie. I just said a thing that wasn't true.

I've never once been at the airport with too much time to spare.

My idea of a wild night is staying up past 9 and eating something spicy.

Nothing tests a friendship like being the passenger to a bad driver.

Connecting flights are just the airline's way of doubling your chances of something going wrong.

Do you love me more than your phone?

Nothing says I've given up like buying a neck pillow in the terminal.

I've said I'll sleep on the plane and never once actually slept on the plane.

The left lane is for passing. Not for your personal driving meditation retreat.

Cheap people don't have bucket lists. They have wishlists waiting for a sale.

Nothing tests a relationship like assembling a tent together.

I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.

Not everyone can be pretty. Someone has to have a great personality.

I've reached the age where I need reading glasses to find my reading glasses.

Cheap people don't waste money on sympathy cards. They write their condolences on a napkin.

Recovery time used to mean a night of sleep. Now it means three to five business days.

I have a complicated relationship with Monday. Mostly one-sided.

Some drivers treat roundabouts like a puzzle they've never seen before.

That's not fair. Everything is not fair.

I'm at the age where I've seen enough to know better and done enough to not care.

I've reached the age where I need two hours to do what used to take twenty minutes and a nap after.

I was so ugly growing up even my yearbook photo asked to remain anonymous.

The campfire always puts the smoke directly in your face. Every time. Without fail.

I didn't hit him. I just touched him hard.

Monday is when my to-do list laughs at me.

Some people treat the zipper merge like a personal attack.

The snack cart always runs out of the good stuff by row 20.

A cheap person's retirement plan is outliving their problems.

Tailgating me won't make me go faster. It will make me go slower out of principle.

I'm not ugly. I'm just pre-beautiful.

Nothing ages you faster than a 5 AM flight.

Nature is beautiful until something crawls into your sleeping bag.

I smiled on a Monday once. It was a misunderstanding.

The gate always changes right after you've gotten comfortable.

The snooze button on Monday is the most hopeful and pointless act a person can take.

Turbulence is just the universe reminding you that you're not in charge.

My face isn't for everyone. Neither is fine art.

Overhead bin space is a competitive sport with no referees.

I used to fall asleep at parties. Now I just don't go.

I'm not ugly. I'm just selectively attractive.

I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

I've decided to skip Monday. Who's with me.

The stars are incredible when you're camping. Less incredible at 4 AM when you can't sleep.

I'm not slowing down. I'm just moving at a more intentional pace.

Monday is the universe's way of saying the fun is over.

The tent looked easy to set up on YouTube.

Why does that lady have a baby in her tummy? Did she eat it?

Airport Wifi password requirements are designed to make you give up and buy data.

That man on TV looks like you but uglier.

Cheap people don't have trust issues. They have receipt issues.

I was so ugly growing up even my reflection needed a moment.

Camping diet: hot dogs, s'mores, and whatever falls on the ground before the five second rule expires.

Zipping and unzipping a tent at 3 AM is the loudest sound in human history.

A good parking spot is worth more than most things in life on a rainy day.

He was so cheap he reused birthday candles and called it a tradition.

Monday is not my enemy. It's more of a frenemy I have to see every week.

Checked bag fees are the airline's way of saying we got you.

The best campfire stories are the ones that keep the kids from asking to go home.

Cheap people don't do impulse buying. They do impulse regretting anything they spent.

Monday is the price you pay for a good Saturday.

At this age I laugh at my problems. Most of them are muscle related.

I love camping. Said no one who has ever set up a tent in the dark.

I was so ugly as a kid my imaginary friend stood me up.

Nothing unites strangers faster than a bad driver we're all stuck behind.

I love nature. Nature does not always love me back and that's okay.

Parallel parking in front of witnesses is a performance I never prepared for.

Is that your real hair or did you buy it?

I used to stay up until 2 AM. Now I celebrate making it to 10.

Glamping is just camping with Wi-Fi and a cheese board.

Age is just a number. Mine is unlisted.

Why do you have to work? Can't someone else do it?

He was so cheap he sent a birthday text at 11:58 PM to save on the next day's data.

My doctor said I need to watch my drinking. Now I do it in front of a mirror.

Starting a campfire with two sticks is a lie they tell you as a child.

Are we there yet? What about now? Now? How about now?

I don't need luxury. I just need a tent that doesn't leak. One request.

My friend is so cheap he waits for the Netflix free trial to end and calls it a season finale.

Monday is just Sunday's hangover.

I was so ugly as a kid Halloween was just a regular Tuesday for me.

Monday called. I let it go to voicemail.

My neighbor is so cheap he cuts his own hair and blames the barber.

I was so ugly my parents had to tie a steak around my neck so the dog would play with me.

I used to party all weekend. Now I celebrate finishing the dishes before 8 PM.

Monday is the day I question all my life choices simultaneously.

Campfire coffee tastes like ambition and ash. Somehow still worth it.

Baggage claim is where time goes to die and optimism goes with it.

Nothing bonds strangers like a six hour delay and a shared outlet.

The fast lane is not the texting lane. These are different lanes.

S'mores exist to make you forget you slept on a rock.

The duty free store is proof that airports know exactly what they're doing to your willpower.

Parking in two spaces doesn't protect your car. It just tells everyone what kind of person you are.

Monday is the only day of the week that feels longer than it is.

My idea of roughing it is a hotel without room service.

My back goes out more than I do.

A cheap person's gym membership is a library card and a good imagination.

Some people treat yield signs like suggestions. Very optional suggestions.

Monday is just the world's way of saying the dream is over get back to work.

My friend is so cheap his emergency fund is a coupon binder.

Mom, why does grandma smell like that?

The older I get the better I was.

My commute is thirty minutes of therapy I never asked for.

Driving at night teaches you that not everyone knows how to use their high beams correctly.

I've reached the age where everything I do hurts and everything that doesn't hurt doesn't work.

I don't want to go to school. Can't we just skip it forever?

Monday mornings were designed to test whether you really want that dream or not.

Why is that man so fat? Can I ask him?

Airport pizza at midnight hits different than it has any right to.

Construction zones exist to remind you that your patience has a limit.

Mosquitoes at a campsite treat bug spray like a light seasoning.

Airport bookstores exist so business travelers can buy books they'll never read.

Drive-throughs are where patience goes to be tested and French fries are the reward for passing.

Camping philosophy: everything tastes better outdoors except the water from the spigot.

My alarm on Monday sounds like a personal attack.

Getting older means finally knowing who you are and not remembering where you put it.

Nothing prepares you for the person who takes off their socks mid flight.

I'm not old. I'm vintage.

My doctor asked if I was active. I said I get up and down from the couch regularly.

Every driver thinks they're above average. The math doesn't work but the confidence does.

Nothing tests your character like being stuck on the tarmac for an hour going nowhere.

Camping rule number one: the bug spray is always in the bag you can't find.

I'm not ugly. I just have a face that makes people think harder.

Camping is the only vacation where you come back needing another vacation.

I treat Monday like a coworker I have to tolerate but will never invite to lunch.

Some faces stop traffic. Mine just confuses it.

The best thing about Monday is that it ends.

My appearance builds character. Mine and everyone who has to describe me.

Nothing makes Sunday fly by faster than knowing Monday is right behind it.

Road trips reveal character. Usually around hour three when the snacks run out.

Monday is the reason Sunday has anxiety.

First class passengers boarding first is just a reminder that money solves the small problems too.

At my age the candles on my birthday cake are a fire hazard.

Monday is proof that the weekend needs a longer warranty.

I treat every yellow light like a life decision. Others treat it like a suggestion to speed up.

Happy Monday said no one who meant it.

I wasn't crying. My eyes were just leaking.

The air mattress always deflates by 2 AM. Every single time.

I've accepted that Monday will always win the first round.

Camping is a great way to bond with family. Surviving it is how you know you're close.

Monday is the gym. Nobody wants to go but you always feel better after. Sometimes.

My face is like a mystery novel — not for everyone but unforgettable once you finish it.

You said one cookie. That was one cookie worth of bites.

I'm not ugly. I'm just working with different raw materials.

The parking lot at the grocery store is where driving skills go to die.

Camping is just paying to be homeless in nature.

The TSA PreCheck line makes regular security feel like a punishment I deserved.

My blinker works fine. The other drivers just choose to ignore it like background music.

Slow drivers in the fast lane are the reason people believe in karma.

I've driven in Italy. After that every other country feels like a video game on easy mode.

Cheap people don't procrastinate. They wait for the price to drop.

I love you more than chicken nuggets. That's a lot.

My driving playlist is specifically designed to calm me down after other people's driving.

Snow brings out two types of drivers: the terrified and the reckless. Both are dangerous.

A cheap person's idea of splitting the bill is watching you pay it.

I don't need an alarm on Friday. Monday requires three and a pep talk.

Poop on that chicken!

My face has never launched a thousand ships but it did clear out a waiting room once.

Why do we have to go to bed when you get to stay up and do nothing?

A camping trip is just a series of problems you chose to have on purpose.

Some people grow into their looks. I'm still waiting for the growth spurt.

My uncle is so cheap he uses the free hotel shampoo and calls it a toiletry budget.

My friend is so cheap he considers a two-for-one deal a financial strategy.

The person in the middle seat always gets both armrests. It's the law of compensation.

Airport sushi is a level of optimism I respect but cannot share.

The only thing harder than starting a campfire is explaining to your family why you can't start one.

I love you but I love pizza more. Sorry.

Dear Monday, I want a divorce. Sincerely, Everyone.

Dad, you have a lot of hair in your nose. Is that normal?

I was so ugly as a baby my parents named me after they saw me. They chose Oh no.

My appearance is like modern art — confusing at first but grows on you eventually.

My friend is so cheap he splits an Uber and walks the last three blocks.

A cheap person's fashion sense is whatever was on clearance two seasons ago.

Nothing makes you feel more guilty than the security line even when you've done nothing wrong.

I can't sleep. There might be something under my bed or in my closet or outside the window.

My driving gets significantly better when nobody is watching and significantly worse when everyone is.

My appearance is a conversation starter. Usually the conversation is wait, really?

Airplane mode is the only time my phone and I are truly at peace.

I want to be a YouTuber when I grow up. Or a ninja. Maybe both.

Some people age like fine wine. I aged like milk left in a car in July.

I'm not ugly. I just have features that require an explanation.

My looks are like a plot twist — unexpected and hard to explain.

The good news about getting older is that you stop caring what people think. Eventually.

Getting older is just your body's way of saying you've been under warranty too long.

A weekend in the woods fixes things that a week in the office breaks.

The older I get the earlier I consider it acceptable to go to bed.

My car's check engine light has been on so long I consider it a feature.

He was so cheap his Christmas tree was a houseplant with a star on top.

My looks have never opened a door but my personality has kept plenty of them open.

I always check the departure board even when I already know my gate. Trust issues.

My uncle is so cheap he turns down the thermostat and calls it character building.

Getting old is the only thing that happens whether you're ready or not.

I've made peace with a lot of things. Monday is not one of them.

My mirror and I have an understanding. It shows me everything and I pretend not to look.

My appearance is an adventure. Not everyone is built for adventure.

Airline points are a currency designed to make you feel rich while spending a lot.

I've made eye contact with someone in a road rage moment and immediately regretted it.

I let one car in and somehow committed to letting in the entire highway.

My metabolism and I had a falling out years ago and neither of us has apologized.

Is that lady having a baby or is she just fat? I need to know right now.

The five stages of Monday: denial, coffee, more coffee, mild acceptance, countdown to Friday.

My friend is so cheap he waits for the movie to come on TV and skips the commercials in his head.

He was so cheap he asked if the birthday cake was included with the party invite.

Beauty is skin deep but my charm goes all the way to the bone.

The only thing worse than a Monday is a Monday that feels like two Mondays.

When you were little did they have cars yet?

My coworker is so cheap he brings his lunch and eats half of it at breakfast.

Delayed two hours. Airline solution: a $12 meal voucher. For an airport.

If Monday were a person it would cut you off in traffic and park in two spaces.

Monday is just Friday's punishment for having too much fun.

Why do you have wrinkles? Are you turning into a raisin?

Why do grown ups drink that brown water that smells bad?

I sleep so well outdoors said no one who has ever heard an owl.

Nothing humbles you faster than confidently going the wrong way on a one way street.

I was so ugly as a baby my parents put a photo of me by the mouse hole and the mice felt bad.

The secret to aging gracefully is lying about your age aggressively.

Motivational Monday posts were invented by people who have never had a real Monday.

Can we stay up late? We promise we won't be tired tomorrow.

I don't need an alarm anymore. My joints wake me up.

Driving behind a student driver is the most patient I will ever be in my life.

Cheap people don't have trust funds. They have trust issues with funds.

Hiking is just walking somewhere inconvenient and calling it exercise.

Cheap people don't leave tips. They leave feedback.

I'm not ugly. I'm just in a different category of attractive that hasn't been named yet.

I cleaned my room. I put everything under the bed.

Coffee on Monday is not a beverage. It's a survival mechanism.

Nothing like fresh air to remind you that your tent smells like last summer.

I'm not ugly. I'm just aesthetically challenging.

If I eat my vegetables will I actually be strong or are you just saying that?

The camp chair that looked sturdy has a very different opinion once you sit in it.

A cheap person's idea of a raise is a longer lunch break.

Can we go to McDonald's? We never go to McDonald's. We went yesterday but that doesn't count.

I'm not bossy. I just know what everyone should be doing.

I'm not ugly. I'm just a face only a mother could love — and she had her doubts.

Getting older means you finally have all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

A window seat is worth the inconvenience of never being able to use the bathroom.

I've taken my shoes off in security so many times it no longer feels personal.

My uncle is so frugal he returned a calendar because the days were used.

Getting older is just your warranty expiring while the payments keep coming.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My beholder needs glasses.

The pilot always announces the weather at the destination like it will change our plans.

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I was so ugly as a baby the stork considered a return trip.

Fishing is just sitting quietly doing nothing but with a stick and false hope.

My GPS has given up on directions and just sighs when I miss a turn.

Beauty fades but my personality has been carrying this whole operation for years.

The speed limit is not the minimum. I cannot stress this enough.

The best part of camping is coming home and sleeping in your bed.

I've learned more about strangers in airport lounges than anywhere else on earth.

I went camping to disconnect. My anxiety came with me.

The person riding your bumper is always in less of a hurry than they think.

The Sunday scaries are just Monday doing a preview.

My looks are like a fine wine — better appreciated after several glasses.

Every sound in the woods at night is definitely a bear. Definitely.

I'm not old. I'm just well seasoned.

I didn't do it. And I won't do it again.

The older I get the more I understand why my parents went to bed at 9.

You're my best friend mom. Can I have a snack?

If Monday had a face I would not make eye contact with it.

I remember when staying out all night was fun. Now staying in all night is the goal.

Airports are the only place where paying $14 for a beer feels completely reasonable.

The only good Monday is a holiday Monday and even then I'm suspicious.

Cheap people don't break up with people. They wait for the other person to get tired of paying.

I'm not having a senior moment. I'm having a premium memory experience.

I always arrive early to the airport and spend that time eating things I would never eat at home.

The worst part of Monday is that it comes every single week without asking.

Cheap people don't have FOMO. They have FOSO — fear of spending on others.

My Monday face and my Friday face are two completely different people.

Monday is the day I remember every decision I made Friday.

Merging is a skill. Not everyone has enrolled in the class.

My face didn't break a mirror. It just made it reconsider its purpose.

Monday is not the beginning of the week. It's the end of the recovery.

The person who stands up immediately when the plane lands is going nowhere faster than anyone else.

Nature called. I didn't want to answer but the campground bathroom was too far.

Monday hits different when you love what you do. I'll let you know if that ever happens.

A cheap person's idea of therapy is venting to someone who owes them a favor.

I'm not hungry but I could eat dessert.

There are two types of campers: those who have sat on a wet seat and those who will.

He was so cheap at the restaurant he ordered water and asked if the ice was extra.

Beauty gets attention. Personality keeps it. I've never had to worry about the first part.

My body is a temple. An old one with questionable plumbing.

The map said the trail was easy. The trail had a different definition of easy.

Monday is just nature's reset button that nobody asked to press.

Boarding zones are just society's way of reminding you where you stand.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is still optional.

My bedtime is now a goal I look forward to achieving.

I'm not ugly. I'm just on a delay from when attractive was invented.

Campfire smell is the best cologne until you realize you have work tomorrow.

There should be a law against meetings before 10 AM on a Monday. A real law.

That lady at the store was not very nice. I didn't like her face.

The guy who reclines his seat fully on a two hour flight has chosen violence.

Monday is a reminder that the weekend was not long enough. It never is.

The exit I need is always the one I'm about to pass.

Someone always starts clapping when the plane lands. Let them have it.

My looks are an acquired taste. Most people haven't acquired it yet.

I have more aches than I have excuses for them.

Bears are just nature's way of reminding you to pack your food properly.

I don't run anymore. I power walk with intent.

Why can't I have candy for breakfast? It has food in it.

Beauty may be a blessing but personality is a superpower.

Airport security exists to remind you that you packed everything wrong.

I was cut off so smoothly I almost applauded. Almost.

I'm bored. There's nothing to do in this house with all these toys.

Nothing says good morning like someone cutting you off before your coffee kicks in.

I've reached the age where the happy hour and the early bird special are the same thing.

Getting older means your back goes out but you stay in.

Airline seat sizes are designed by someone who has never sat in one.

I'm not ugly. I'm just not what you were expecting.

He was so cheap he brought his own butter to a bread basket restaurant.

He was so cheap he asked for a doggy bag at a free sample station.

My turn signal is an invitation not a guarantee but I use it anyway out of respect.

Another Monday. Another chance to wish it was Friday.

I'm not ugly. I'm just visually unconventional.

Camping with kids is just regular camping but louder and with more questions.

I'm at the age where my train of thought leaves the station without me.

When I grow up I want to be a dog.

A cheap person's idea of fine dining is a fast food place with cloth napkins.

Why do we have to save money? Can't we just get more?